Clearing my mind

It’s been a nice, relaxing past 5 days filled with no exercise and lots of food.  FAR too much food, my body is telling me.  But, after my run on Wednesday, I decided to take a break.  I figured out that my new marathon training program was starting a week earlier than I thought – so today – which means a big increase in my running mileage, plus I am still dedicated to increasing the time I spend on the bike and really, really do want to work on my swim and figure it out… so, instead of focusing just on the marathon program, I will be doing a lot more.

I just keep thinking that by the end of this summer, I really will be in the best shape of my life. That is such a cool feeling!

Pretty easy run this morning for Day 1, except it was pouring rain and chilly.  It did feel GREAT to get outside and move, though, after taking that break.  My body craved it.  ABSOLUTELY craved it.  I get judged a lot – even by those that love me – about my dedication to exercising and healthy living. People don’t understand why I get up early, even on the weekends, to fit in a run, a ride, or a trip to the gym.  They don’t get why I may turn down an extra beer and grab yet another huge bottle of water, but then gorge myself on food.  And why I always pack my running shoes. Always.  And will turn in early (or accidently fall asleep!) so I can get up an hour early to get a quick run in before my kids get up.

I’m not crazy.  Nor do I have a disjointed body image.  I just like how working out makes me feel.  I’m so  much better for it – and trust me, my family appreciates it too.  I think they were ready to force me out of the house to go lift or run or do SOMETHING after this weekend because I was pissy. 

I was thinking about this today during my run… and then came in to find my good friend, Ericka, had posted about it on her blog.  Great minds!

My Ellen keeps on amazing me.  On the way to her swimming practice the other day, I asked her what she thinks about when she is doing laps.  And, at 9.5, she gave me a very profound answer I didn’t expect.  I truly thought she would say something like, “oh, whatever… homework, how many laps I have left, what my sister did to me, etc.”  But she came out with an athlete’s answer and it took my breath away.  I love so much about this kid…  Ellen swims not to be the best, because I’m not sure if she has that exact drive for swimming. But she doesn’t want to be bad.  There is a HUGE difference, and if you have been a competitive athlete before, you know that difference.  Ellen hates to be bad at anything.  But to watch her and to talk to her and to just be around her and swimming, it is hard to miss she has a passion for the sport.  And I love that she does.

She told me that before she starts doing a drill, any laps, she clears her mind and thinks about the stroke she is about to do.  She thinks about what she needs to work on, any adjustments she has to make, and then as she is swimming, she repeats it to herself, over and over.  She doesn’t allow anything else in her mind except those thoughts.  She concentrates on the stroke and only the stroke. 

She told me, and she had never said it before to me, that Summer swim is so much harder for her than her normal year because during Summer recreation league, parents/fans are right by the side of the pools, screaming.  She can hear and see us and no matter how hard she tries, she loses her concentration during meets.  It’s one thing to hear her coaches during her meets year round – she is used to it, she’s supposed to.  But to see and hear us, it breaks her.

I asked her why she has never told us that before.  We are the parents on the sidelines going nuts!  She said because none of us have ever swam before… we wouldn’t get it.  We wouldn’t understand the concentration it takes. But now that I do, I can get it.

So, I’m a swimmer, huh?  I get it.  Now, I have to concentrate.  I, the crazy Type A, have to learn from my Type A daughter.  If she can learn to do it, I should be able to, right?

Have I mentioned how proud of her I am?

The Swim - Race Day

The swim portion of this triathlon was an in-water start.  Some start on the bank/beach where athletes run in and then dive, but this one, we stood in the water in our group (gray swim caps – last group) until the group ahead of us went and then waded out to the start area, treaded water for a few minutes and then the horn.  Being in the water for a few minutes before heading to the start got me used to the 66 degree temperature of the lake.  It really didn’t feel that bad to me – a combo of the wetsuit and adrenalin – and good ‘ole Yankee blood, I’m sure.  Then we headed out to the start!

I was having fun at this point.  The announcer gave us props for being first timers, and I yelled, “WAIT!  This is a TRIATHLON!?!?! What the hell?” which gave everyone a good laugh. As always, when I get nervous, I have to laugh.  I looked back to shore and saw my whole loving family, yelling and screaming, and I gave them a HUGE wave. I searched and searched for Matt, but couldn’t find him.  My wonderful husband was searching for the perfect photo op spot! HA!  Then, just a second before the horn went, I yelled, “GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!” and everyone in the water cheered. I do love being an extrovert sometimes. :-D

And we were off… and for the first maybe 2 minutes I felt great.  Like, “All RIGHT! I’ve got this!” Yea, I was kicked in the head and the body.  And I was running over people. But I felt ok.

And then it went downhill. Fast.  I couldn’t see where I was going.  There were no lines on the bottom.  It was dark.  It was cold.  There were no people on either side of me. And my heart rate started to sky rocket. And my breaths started coming WAY to quickly.  So – I did what my friends had told me to do – I flipped over on my back and started to kick…

And for about 65% of the 750 meters, I stayed JUST like that. L

I’m telling you what – the open water kicked my ass. Hard.  Every time I flipped over, my heart started to race and my breath started to come too quickly.  I know I have a strong stroke and I could have made up SO much time, but I really started to have to tell myself, “this is not going as you planned.  Finish this any way you can. Just finish.”  So I did.  I would flip over occasionally and swim. But as soon as I felt uncomfortable, I would go back on my back and kick hard.

Soon enough, the end was near.  I took the last turn and swam with everything I had left.  I started to hear the wonderfully LOUD booming voice of the love of my life and then the sounds of the rest of my family screaming, yelling me in.  And I was soon running up the stairs (wobbly legs, wobbly legs…), on the grass mats to T1. 

Frigging A.  It may not have been pretty, but I did the swim

Swimming Sucks... And OUCH!

So, I’m hating the swim. I don’t want to. I want to love it.  Hubs thinks the fact that I hate it is wildly amusing because I told him when I first started thinking about this back in October that, “I am really not worried about the swim part at all!” And he laughed.  And now?  I hate the swim. I loathe the swim. Did I really, really make it clear?

It doesn’t hurt.  My form is fine.  I’m not afraid and I don’t hate being in the water.  I actually enjoy swimming (until I start to hate it). And I’m told that I “look” strong in the water.  So, WHY don’t I feel strong?  Why don’t I FEEL like I am progressing?  Why am I not moving up faster? Why am I not better?

Okay, so logically here (note: logic and I part ways quite often).  I have been to a total of 7 swim practices.  

One of those I didn’t complete because my calf was barely moveable.  But – probably half of the remainder of those practices, I have made excuses for why I have needed to quit a drill early (um, leaking goggles, cramp, dog ate my homework…). NO! I’m just tired.  I can’t keep up.  I DON’T WANT TO SWIM!  And the thing is, if I just focused and put on my game face, if I went a bit Zen and really beared down, I COULD do it.  I COULD finish whatever drill it was.

But I rarely do.  I come up with an excuse.  And I detest that.  I hate when my kids make excuses. When my colleagues do it.  And I LOATHE when I do it.

I also hate that I have started to compete with people around me.  My weight loss, then my health  goals, and now my fitness goals have never been about competing with anyone but me.  I am VERY competitive, but I’ve worked hard to make this about me setting internal hurdles and goals to achieve.  But, I look around the pool and see some people in higher lanes, with better endurance than me, swimming faster than me, who I know that I am in better physical condition than.  I am stronger, and leaner, and have less body fat and, and, and… All those things that I have worked REALLY hard for and that are supposed to make a difference.  And I get ANGRY!  Not at them, but at myself.  I want to be them!  I WANT TO BE BETTER IN THE POOL.  I’m jealous. 

My brother has never claimed to be a swimmer.  He has never done a tri because of the swim.  The kid could swim underwater for DAYS, but he just stinks doing any kind of regular freestyle.  But, because he can’t stand the fact that 1) he has been down for the count for months now due to his hip, and 2) that I’m doing more events this year than he is, he has decided that his comeback will be, if all goes well, the Olympic tri I am doing in September.  SO, he has joined a Master’s program near him.  It does help that he texted me yesterday, hating the swim as much as I do. 

Swim sucks.  A goal is that by the end of this season, it doesn’t suck as much.  Maybe when I hate to swim a mile before riding a bike for 20 miles, I won’t hate it so much.  Geez… I hope so.

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Today, I ran about 6 miles pretty quick before rushing to get my two oldest up an hour early to get to church for Ash Wednesday service before school.  Pretty happy with my time, but not happy that:

• My knee was hurting a bit during the run. Note: I have about 1% cartilage in my knee and it is my awful fear it is going to go on me.
• My ankle has been hurting me pretty much all day since the run.
• My right groin is killing me for the last few hours.

Iced my knee when I got home.  It feels fine now so hoping it was just a fluke.  Groin and ankle?  NO clue what’s going on.  Been having problems with this ankle for weeks.  Groin, knee, ankle – all on right side.  Going to do some really, really good stretching tonight, ice, and mineral ice.  Hoping it goes away or I can work it out.  Bla.

The pool ... here little fishy

Just back from a 5 mile run.  It started to drizzle about halfway through, but it is almost 50 degrees (on February 1!) so I can’t really complain too much.  I really like running in my neighborhood, especially running at 4am like I do.  It is really hilly, tough hills, too.  So I know that when I get out into a race, I will go even faster and longer.  At least this is what I keep telling myself in hopes it is true.  Did 5 in around 40ish minutes.

Yesterday was a swimming day ~ my third in the pool.  And my first not being able to use my legs. Yea, you read that right.  For two weeks, I have to keep a pull buoy between my legs and only swim with my

arms.  Seems my head placement and breathing was severely jacked up. Last Thursday, the head coach pulled me aside and totally corrected how I was swimming. When he was done, I felt like I was flailing around like a jackass… then he changed me some more, gave me a drill to do, put a buoy between my legs, and bam. 

So, I’m still in the 3^rd slowest lane.  I’m with one very serious woman who doesn’t seem real thrilled that the new girl isn’t keeping up - but she is still nice.  Then two really nice women who are so supportive ~ one of them has done 3 Ironman!  Swimming isn’t her best event but she does it (obviously) and gets the job done. 

The beginning of practice yesterday, I had my little buoy and was doing what is called a “catch up” with my arms.  Very slow, and very deliberate, you bring one arm forward and while that arm is still in front of you reaching, you bring the other arm ahead and catch up to the forward arm.  It is slow going, but it does help you a great deal with form and balance.  Ed had told me to do that for the two weeks… so what did I know (I thought he meant the whole time)?  Drill after drill, I kept falling behind my lane, but I was doing it!  Then we hit the drill at 4x500.  Ugh. LONG. And my arms were dying.  Luckily, the coach that always watches my lane, Kim (love her) told me I didn’t have to do catch up on longer drills.  And I started to really keep up!  I NEVER keep up on long drills and end up sitting out after 200 meters or so… But I was doing it!

This is huge for me.  With my chin against my chest, I was really getting into a groove.  MAN, my arms were burning and I know I am going to be flying after these two weeks are up.  I can already feel the difference in my stroke and am really working on breathing on both sides (much harder than correcting my head position).  A really good thing is that I didn’t have a headache coming out of the pool, which I’m sure is from my neck position.

So, made it probably 2500 meters+ yesterday… and was in SUCH a good mood all day because of it.

I know I’m going to hit walls in my training, but these early hurdles I’m crossing ~ just the foundations I’m laying ~ are making me feel like maybe, just maybe, I can do this.