I’m going through a major period of doubt today. I guess it started yesterday and you may caught with my post about time and my lack of it. I guess it has grown exponentially since then. Hubs and I just got done looking at the sample monthly calendar from the tri group I want to join and the prognosis isn’t good. When he starts by saying, k, so let's break down what that is for the week. Monday you either do the night or the morning session. If you do the morning you miss seeing #2 and #3 in the morning. If you do the night, you can probably get home by 8 and see #1 and #2 before bed. Tues: same as it is now – so you’ll do swim in the morning and we’ll have the crazy rush out the door. Wed: morning track, so you won't see the girls in the morning. I assume that means nothing for Wed evening, but if you do the boot camp you miss #3. Thursday would be as it is now in the morning (swim practice) and you could do boot camp at night – again no #3. Friday – you have to bring #1 to swim practice in AM so you don’t get to see #2 and #3.
Yea – so obviously that doesn’t sound good. Now, I don’t HAVE to do all of the practice sessions to be part of this group. That isn’t the point! But the practices after work are 6:30 or 7:30pm. And additional sessions (besides my swim practices) in the morning are 6:30am. NOT the best times for parents. So adding things in means taking time away from my family.
But the thing is… I need to add things in. I’m not the “let’s just cross the finish line” type of person. If I am going to do this, I want to DO THIS. I want to really go for it. I’m not expecting to come in under 2 hours for my first half marathon in a few weeks, but I also don’t want to crawl across the finish line. I don’t want to fall on my ass during transitions during my tris and look like a fool. I want to make the best finish I can. And I know I’m not doing that right now.
I also know I get up at 4am right now and work out for 2 hours and come home to help get 3 kids out the door for school, then work at a very stressful job for 9 or 10 hours and go home to be a wife and mom, and usually work some more, before falling into bed for 5 or 6 hours a night, if I’m lucky. I really, really, really want this. But I’m wondering if I’m going to be able to pull it off. Logic is telling me to hang it up. And my heart is crushed.
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4 comments:
(((hugs))) Well, this may not be exactly what you want to hear, but...1) Just because you sign up for these tri group sessions doesn't mean you won't fall during transitions and look like a fool; 2) NOT signing up for the tri group doesn't mean you will fall during transitions and look like a fool; 3) Ask any triathlete and they'll tell you that they've fallen plenty of times and that doesn't mean a darn thing about one's athleticism; 4) no one is going to be paying attention to you during the transitions anyway because everyone is focusing on him/herself; 5) many athletes spend YEARS working up to the schedule that you've set for yourself for this very first year. I respect that you're committed and a badass athlete and you want to do well and push yourself, but this doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing...you say that you won't be happy if you don't do your best, but are you really happy with this right now? Just don't burn yourself out before you've even had a chance to shine! Seek balance in everything. :-)
Oh, perhaps I didn't say this right... because I was half pounding/half crying as I typed right before I ran out of the office. I know that having coaches train me doesn't guarantee that I won't fall. Hell, I assume I will fall more! But, what I didn't add here is that I actually feel MORE out of shape than I did before I started "training". Perhaps I am in better cardio shape than I've been in years, but I feel sloppy. I used to get in more workouts than I do now. Now? I'm stressed constantly about fitting things in. I used to get two good hours of workouts in every morning. Hour of running, hour of lifting. It just isn't there because pool hours, it's too dark to ride, etc. I feel disgusting. I know I'm not doing enough and that has me sad/stressed/upset. Because I was excited for this and thought I could work it out. But, I just don't know how to get it all done. And I ALWAYS work things out! I don't know if I have ever not had enough time for something. Perhaps that is what is pissing me off so much. ;-)
I've come to realize that I just don't know HOW to train myself. I can run - anyone can run. But doing intervals and all of that to get faster? I guess I could figure it out. The swim? No - I need these Tuesday/Thursday things I'm going to. And the bike? I do NOT know what I'm doing. At all. I don't know how to shift. I don't know where to go to ride. It's fun and all. But I don't know what I'm doing or if I do it like running? Like intervals or what.
I really feel like I should throw in the towel, focus on running events (halfs, marathons, etc) and just deal. But my heart breaks when I say that.
(and I have PMS. Throwing that out there.)
R - this post made me so sad. Do you even realize how amazing this is? You are killing it - with 3 kids in tow. You are this exceptional human being that can do this - falling, crawling or sprinting to the finish line. One day at a time. And PMS will force you into a hole - hope its passed!
Thank you so much for that encouragement. (I didn't even know you were reading! Took me like 8 minutes to realize who this was!). You know me... a crawl or fall across won't do it ;-). Never thought time would be my killer. Maybe my knee giving out, or breaking a bone. But not time! I can accomplish anything! But, I'll get there. Or die trying (I may get that tattooed on my ass). Thanks for reading along!
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